Life Happens.Life happens quickly with a 19 month old in a Hip Spica Cast. I long to write daily, get all the feelings, thoughts, and memories out on paper or print, but alas, life happens.
The past few weeks our little lobster crawling Hip Spica Toddler has been happy and HEALTHY. This is the first time she has been illness free for longer than 1 month since she began daycare at 3 months old. Amazing what time away from daycare will do for the immune system.
I on the other hand have been without regular childcare while juggling working full-time either at the office or at home, which means working throughout each day and night. Since early September, something about my asthma/illness did not feel the same as anything before. My Asthma specialist heard crackling on my lungs and has been treating me with multiple meds in case I was beginning to develop pneumonia. I have been one tired and ragged mama. We are still trying to work out a childcare situation and praying everything will work out as its meant to be. In the meantime, I am praying my lungs can heal and I can get rest at some point.
As of right now, our world is hanging by a thread and that thread is propped up by working on int'l export orders remotely from home while simultaneously doing nebulizer treatments with a Spica Baby crawling at my feet. My mama heart has ached and longed to be home with my child more, and this latest hurdle is not easing that ache. In a way this time in a Spica Cast has given me more time to see her during the day. For a week and a half, we were able to find someone to watch her half days. I made it to the office for the first half of the day, then ran home to put her down for a nap. For the first time, I was able to do something that I never was able to and in those moments my heart was bursting with joy. I would lay her on her bean bag chair used for naps, lay down beside her and read the "Jesus book". As much as I wanted to savor those moments and lay next to her all afternoon, I was pulled to quickly get back to working. I would soak up hugs, kisses, shut the door and run upstairs to work as fast as possible while praying somehow her nap would last 3+ hrs. Those are the moments that I struggle with the most. I always hoped we would be able to choose staying at home or working full or part time. There are so many others in this same situation and it is by no means an easy feat. This year has been tough for us, Roslynn's 7 day hospitalization with RSV and Pneumonia and other sick days used most of my time off, long before we could ever know she would be diagnosed with Bi-Lateral Hip Dysplasia.
My prayer continues to be, "Lord, please show me, show us, your plan."
I keep telling the Lord, its too much, I am not strong enough to keep burning both ends and not giving much of myself to anyone in my life, family, friends, work. I have been through quite a few painful experiences that have stretched and pulled my heart. Never before though had I experienced this intense battle on my heart of being a working mother, especially when my child's special needs and health, and my own health are on constant demand. I keep praying for strength to get us through and for my heart to understand why this is the role I must be in now. I pray that if there is another way we can make it, he will open our eyes and show us his path, no matter how thorny and out of the way His path may be.
“He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with others in trouble. We share in the terrible sufferings of Christ, but also in the wonderful comfort he gives."
(2 Corinthians 1:4-5 CEV)
Earlier this month marked five years since my father passed away from Cancer. Earlier this year, we passed the 15 year mark of my mom waking from her coma following our horrific car accident. Many times in life I wondered what God is preparing me for by experiencing struggles at a young age, struggles that many will never know. At 30 years old, I am still struggling to understand God's plan and how he will work pain into beauty. Every day, I wish my father was here to talk to, I wish his loss was less painful five years later. However, the joy of meeting my husband, then becoming a mother opened a new, rawness in my heart, a longing for someone you love so much to be here in person to meet these blessings in your life. My father was a man of wisdom, empathy, depth, with a continually growing heart for Jesus. When life got hard, he dug in even harder. Throughout his nearly 6 year cancer battle, he continued working, work that was physically grueling in all elements. It is a strength that has confused doctors and people alike.
|Jonda Spurbeck Photography|
Pain is inevitable in this world. Whether first world pain or third world pain, it is all pain and never quantified by God. God sees us tired and weary, our aching broken hearts, and he longs to refresh, replenish and mend our hearts whole filled with beauty and love. My Father was a living example to so many of how not to waste your pain and allow God to work through you and make beauty out of any situation. I am so grateful the Lord has shown me trials amidst the triumphs and placed so many fighting souls in my life to lead through example.
No pain is lost on God, no pain is too small or too big for him. However, we have to come to him, seek him, lay all our pain, burdens, questions, anger, you name it, we just have to toss it all up in the air and allow him to mend our fences right where we are at. We can not wait for out situation to get better, our lives to be less messy, we are meant to meet no matter how deep the mire we are in. Only He can take our pain and turn it into something of beauty.
By: Rick Warren, Pastor September 12, 2014